


Morals

by WillowCreeks_DevilHill



Series: The Devil Lives Here [2]
Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempted Abortion, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Death, Depression, Discussion of Abortion, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Families of Choice, Forced Pregnancy, Gen, Gun Violence, Hospitals, Implied/Reference Child Abandonment, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Loss of Control, Male-Female Friendship, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Mother-Son Relationship, Motherhood, Multiple Endings, New Frontier, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective AJ, Raids, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Richmond - Freeform, Soldiers, Teen Pregnancy, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Threats of Violence, Trauma, Triggers, Unwanted Pregnancy, War, protective Clementine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 15:54:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18577699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WillowCreeks_DevilHill/pseuds/WillowCreeks_DevilHill
Summary: Left alone, to face her own demise, Clementine realizes how lost she truly is. Reuniting with AJ and The New Frontier, it seemed he never left her, being forced to carry her rapist's child. And at the birth of her daughter, Clementine realizes how many morals she has lost and her own demise of her morality.First Variant in the Morality AU





	1. Found Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _And if I died in the middle of a frozen night_  
>  _Would you feel alright, would you be alright if I_  
>  _Died in the middle of your paradise_  
>  _Would you change your mind_  
>  _Would you bring me back to life_  
>  ~ Back to Life by Mother Mother

The memory of last night. His hands crawling on her, forcing himself inside of her, tearing her apart over and over again. And he left, leaving Clementine alone, broken. Curling up in the fetal position, emptiness crawled inside of her. Just had to find AJ, just had to get to him. Protect him from this. Somehow, she slept, she couldn't find it in herself to even care about the blood and semen that was seeping from her reddened and sore entrance, how it stained her thighs. And waking up to the morning, sunlight blaring into her eyes, she winced.

 _'Don't think about it,'_ Clementine hissed to herself, hands laid out before her. She was broken. She felt sick, and she weakly pulled herself up. Alone, away from him. She couldn't look at what he has done to her, and she winced, spreading her legs apart. She couldn't, oh god, she stopped the cry that escaped as she saw how damaged she truly was. _'Just another wound. Just another wound.'_

It repeated over and over again inside of her, as she stared down at the red and white that stuck to her thighs. Coldness sunk in as she saw her wounds, and she couldn't, she couldn't do it. Couldn't remove her eyes away from the tormented look that coated her lower body, her vulva reddened and thighs aching. Pushing up, sitting up and feeling her shoulders slump, feeling torn with marks reddening on her. She just, she just had to clean up, get moving, and find AJ. Leave this mess behind.

_His hand wrapped around her throat, blocking her windpipe. Scratching at the hips he held down._

_'Stop it,'_ She snarled to herself and closed her eyes shut. Shaking, crumbling. _'Just breathe.'_

And so she did, feeling her chest rattle with each breath she took, shoulders shaking. Her fingers had dug into the gross mattress underneath her, as she tried to balance herself. With her legs spread apart, and feeling the morning air on her bare skin. The sounds of birds and a distant wind. The silence in the cabin, that echoed in her ears. Feeling the burns on her hips and shoulders. Marks of a demon. Opening her eyes, and feeling cold, she tore off a piece of the sheet. She just had to clean herself up and get moving. Just had to keep moving forward.

But, staring down at the mess that she was, she held back the sob. It clawed at her throat, as she hesitantly touched her inner thighs, feeling how dry it was. Her blood, his - oh god. Taking in deep, heaving breaths, she pushed herself up, hesitance in each movement as pain clawed at her hips. Feet meeting dry wood as she sat at the edge of the mattress, and spitting into the dry clothe she held. Wettening it, she shivered as she dabbed it on her thighs, trying to scrape off all remains of last night. It reddened it and she shivered at the reminder, as she dragged the clothe up and down her thighs, the dry scraps turning into a mess that clung to her even as she pushed it off.

Sobs wracked her as she cleaned herself, feeling herself slump over as her throat clenched painfully and could feel it run down her thighs. She couldn't keep doing it. She couldn't, she just. She threw the rag away and pushed herself into a standing motion. Legs stumbling and wrenching with dry sobs, her feeling wetness travel down her, and hands shaking as they balanced on a wall. She was a broken mess, and she felt the scream escape, low and shuddery from her torn throat.

Gasping them out, Clementine couldn't find it in herself to actually care if walkers heard. She just, she just wanted AJ and Lee and god-fucking-dammit, Kenny or Christa or anyone than this moment. Anyone but him and his awful reminders. Pressing her forehead against wood, her hair clinging to her skin as she sobbed, clenching her eyes closed and shook. Why god, why was she of all people picked for this moment? She trembled and felt herself finally crumble like that 8-year-old girl she left behind with Lee's corpse. She should be fine, she should be moving now. This wasn't the plan, she was better than this. But still, she sobbed for her mother and father, and pressed against the rotting wall, legs threatening to drop her.

She didn't know when she had pushed away from that wall. When she stopped crying out for her mom and dad, for Lee and Christa. When she had walked away from that mattress and towards where her clothes laid. She didn't know when she had redressed. When she numbly pulled on her clothes and they clung to her. Picking her dusty hat and placing it on, wiping away the wetness on her cheeks. When she picked up her knife and held onto it like it was her life. When she finally left the cabin and started running.

 

The trading community was too close, too suffocating. Every step sent her looking over her shoulder to see if he had followed her, and she jolted back whenever someone held up a rolled cigarette. Whenever smoke came to her senses and she wanted to puke, vomit, run as fast as she could. So she lowered her head, eyes dashing and her form shuddering as she walked. Paced almost as she hurried around the place. She knew it well, but she also knew the last one too and it got burned. She just needed to find AJ, she knew what he looked like. Her little boy, hopefully unharmed.

Slinking past another worn building, a fight having brewing in there as she disappeared. The shouting clouded her sense and she bolted before she knew it. Clementine felt weak as she wished to pull her knife out, to snarl at anyone who came past her, but that would get her killed. 

_'Like being killed is worse than getting raped.'_

She shook those shuddering thoughts out as she looked around with wide eyes. Where was he? Where was AJ, she needed him, she needed to get him. Needed to hold him and just, fuck, get as far away as they could from these shitholes, maybe go pursuing in the west or up in the bitter, cold north. Fuck, she didn't know! And she couldn't calm herself, couldn't calm her screaming head as she wandered from place to place. Always flinching and she hated the odd looks, some mingled with sympathy. She had to stop the glare that was coming on and the spitting of words threatening to escape.

"Clementine!" 

A shrill cry. Sharp, familiar, and twisting around, she could see her boy, her little one, her goofball. A worn jacket slung over his shoulders, eyes bright with recently cut hair, she almost cried out as he ran towards her and slung arms around her waist. Her little boy, her joy, and she stopped the sob that almost escaped. 

"I thought I lost you!" He finally exclaimed, pushing away with bright, dark eyes that were gleaming with unshed emotions. She swallowed the bob that was in her throat at the sight of him.

"I thought I would never see you again," She finally choked out, and ruffled those curls of his, already trying to grow back into that afro he lost. "Please, don't tell me I need to cut your hair again."

"No!" He squealed out, grinning as he pulled away before eyes suddenly simmering into darkness as he peered at her. His lips pursed, and she squirmed under the look, trying to hide it pitifully. Pointing up at her, she curled her fingers into the palms of her hands. "What's those marks on your neck?"

_Sharp teeth bit harshly and dragged against her. She could almost feel the blood pour down, his slimy tongue lapping at the marks he made._

Frozen. That's why they just kept looking at her neck. She didn't feel it, she had forgotten such marks and she bit down the tears that formed on her eyes. Slamming a hand against the side of her neck, she couldn't make herself laugh for him. To say to AJ that it was just an awful joke she was playing, fuck, maybe even lie and say it was walker bites. But she couldn't, and she slid her eyes away from his.

"Nothing, really," She whispered and tried to not think of how he panted into her ear, mocking her. "Just got into trouble is all."

"Like, what kind?" AJ pestered and she hated she had shown him to interrogate, pressing harder to get answers.

"Nothing big, I swear," She laughed, as she finally glanced back at the saddened look AJ held on his face. She tried to crack a smile for her little goofball. "I'm here and alive, aren't I?"

"I, guess so," He whispered, but his eyes were still staring at where her hand laid on her neck. She slid it off, and almost winched as her fingers glid against those marks. "Well, when I see whoever did that, I'll make sure they won't-"

"NO!" She yelled out, and it shattered everything, eyes wide as she stared down at her young boy. He could kill AJ, and she almost broke down. "You won't ever go near him, alright?"

"Cl-Clem, I just," He was stammering and she shut her eyes tight, trying to calm the shakiness in her shoulders. The way she was shaking and to ignore it because she was with her boy right now, she was with sweet AJ who should never face what had happened to her.

"I took care of it, alright?" She finally whispered, looking around to see if anyone was watching. No, the noise around them overshadowed them, and she breathed in a sigh. "I just don't want you hurt."

AJ nodded and she swallowed around the lump in her throat. She tried to weakly smile at him, anything to bring back that cheerful grin he had when he had seen her again. When they reunited and felt him hug her like she was going to leave again if he let go. She would take back all her words for him to just be smiling, and her shoulders slumped. 

"Got your gun?" She finally asked and watched him nod. "And your knife?" Another nod. "Ok, what about the pack?"

"I thought you had it," He mumbled and she forced herself to not pinch the bridge of her nose. Shit, god no. Fuck, great. No car, no pack, her broken. Perfect match.

"Alright, well, we're in a trading center," She mumbled half-heartedly and twisted her gaze around to look around. "So, I guess I can trade something to get us a pack so we can hold food."

"I can trade my gun," He piped up and she shook her head.

"We don't trade our guns, AJ. We need that to get food, for game, ok?" She stated and watched him nod, him standing right next to her now. "Unless you want to make traps again."

"Uh uh," He quickly hummed out, shaking his head as she finally smiled a good one, a real one. Almost normal, other than the marks on her body. 

"Ok, um," Clementine shivered and she fumbled around in her pockets.

Her lighter, ok. She could trade that, she didn't want to trade her knife, not yet unless she had to. And fumbling in her right breast pocket, a pack hit her fingers. Slipping it out, she paused as she saw the pack. Marlboro Reds. A full pack, haven't even touched one yet and she shivered. She doubts she could ever smoke again without thinking back to that moment and for a second, bile finally rose up to her throat. She forced herself to swallow it down as she stared at the pack in her fingers. Not many packs left unless they liked hand-rolling it themselves. It could go good with her lighter, she just had to use some flint to actually make some fire if she ever needed to.

"Let's go find a trader," She finally stated and watched AJ's eyes beam as she led him into the crowd. Feeling him close, comfort swallowed her as she held the cigarette pack and lighter in a hand, her other hand holding onto AJ's shoulder. Keeping her steady to the ground.

Walking around, eyeing everything. There were people trading ammo and guns, a couple by the looks of it. The young man held up a rifle, with the woman waving her arms about. Trying to bargain, Clementine assumed. The little stand next to them, the shutters shoved open with a disappointed looking older man playing around with a knife. Knives hung up behind him, and she looked away. Not what she wanted. The shouting rang around them, people yelling over a bad bargain or trade, some advertising their own stands.

"It always gets louder whenever we visit," AJ murmured sheepishly to her and she simply nodded. Always did get louder.

"Supplies are limited, and we have ways to go to get to the next trading area," She replied back, her eyes finding one building. The windows were open, and a security gate had been put up. Like one from a pharmacy. A man behind it was bald and had a dark brown beard, graying in some places as he called for those to come by. "C' mon AJ, I think we find one."

Pushing AJ alongside her, her legs shook as she neared the man, and her hand tightened its hold on AJ. She could hear the whine of her name and him huffing when she didn't respond. Eyes wide as she watched the man as she approached. He was waving away a bitter looking, aged woman. Hair pulled back into a bun, blonde, and scowling, before disappearing back into the crowd. The man was scowling and shoved down the pack on the table down to the ground. Perfect.

Trembling, she forced herself to try to ignore it as she stood in front of the man, on the other side of the security gates. A smile formed, showing yellow-stained teeth. She tried to hide the flinch as the man looked her up and down, AJ pursing his lips. She placed the pack of cigarettes and lighter down onto the counter, shoving them through the opening. 

"How big of a pack could I get from this?" Clementine finally asked, her eyes on the man. Eyes almost gray, and he snorted as he picked up her pack of cigarettes, looking them around.

"Not many of these left," He mused and popped open the pack. She tried to ignore how his stained fingers flicked over them. "When ya get 'em?"

"About a few days ago," She shrugged her shoulders. She hadn't smoked any, and she remembered AJ's frown when she had placed them in her pocket. "The lighter should still have enough fuel to light them all up and more."

"From who?" He pestered, as he closed the pack, placing it down on the counter. He towered over her and she gripped AJ harder.

"Scavenging," She answered, honestly. "Run-down gas station west of here." 

He simply hummed over the information she gave him, watching as he picked up the gray lighter, flicking it on, before turning it off.

"And the lighter?"

"Had it for about a couple of months now. Had to replace my old one," She answered once again, as his eyes met her's. She tilted her chin up, and she hated how his eyes suddenly grew almost sympathetic when he spotted the marks on her neck. She pulled AJ closer, could hear him trying to hide his whining over her actions.

"Not much use for cigarettes, but some addicts would like 'em," He finally responded, and she stopped a sigh from escaping when he put both her lighter and cigarettes down into a drawer. Picking up a worn pack, he shoved it through the gate opening, with AJ picking it up and putting it on. "Nice tradin' with ya."

She nodded thanks, before moving AJ along. Her hands felt empty without the lighter and she repressed a sigh from escaping. Pushing AJ forward, she shot a smile down to him, with him peering curiously at her. It tilted slightly, and she twisted her head away from him. A pack now, to carry more food around. Good, perfect, just what they needed. She just needed them to get out of the place, to leave this hellhole of Virginias behind. Get back on the road and head west or north. Anywhere was better than here. She ignored AJ's question over where they were going and she shrugged her shoulders. The exit was close, and nodding at the guards, felt relief when they opened them. Leaving the trading area behind. 

 

The bile had crawled up Clementine's throat without her realizing, her trying to ignore the cramps in her midsection. She didn't know when she had started vomiting, throwing up last night's rabbit with AJ watching her through scared eyes. It burned her as she bent over, feeling it keep coming. This was the fourth time this week and she held onto her midsection, feeling her body twinge. A headache was coming on, and she screamed her frustration out when she had stopped puking. Heaving out the last bile, she angrily wiped her mouth off and wanted to curl up. Please, just be a bad meal.

"Are you ok?" AJ asked, voice so soft and distant. Her foggy eyes on him and she smiled weakly at him. Her poor boy, being forced to watch that.

"Probably just a bad rabbit," She laughed, softly, and hesitantly placed two fingers onto her temple, trying to rub out the first pings of a headache.

"But I'm not vomiting," He pointed out, and her hand cradled her midsection, feeling another hit. Her mind swam for something else. "And this has happened for a while now. I'm not dumb, Clem."

"I know you're not, kiddo," She frowned, slightly, feeling it pull on her lips. God, was she dying now? Great, get through something awful and this happens. The white discharge coming out of her one night, the headaches, and the pains. Now vomiting in the onsets of the morning. 

_'Guess he did leave something for me.'_

The thought came out of nowhere, and she couldn't stop the tears burning her eyes and the boiling sob from her mouth. AJ's hands on her arms and she almost pushed him off, but she couldn't. She wasn't pregnant, that was fucking stupid. She doubted she was, and likely, with all the stress, the thing would've died inside of her early on. It was just bad food, that's all. But, why didn't it feel like it? She could hear AJ trying to ask her something, but she almost slumped over, and she hissed as another pang hit her. Its been, what, a month now since that night? She was fine, she was fine. It didn't bother her anymore, it didn't. But her head hit itself once more, and now the sob came out before she knew it. It broke through and she almost slumped over.

"Clementine?" His voice was soft. "What happened that night?"

_Tearing into her, her hymen broken and blood flowing between her thighs. Rough hands on her hips, pulling her flush against him, her tearing into the mattress underneath her._

"Let's get somewhere safe," She avoided the question, tilting her head away. She could almost smell the smoke on him, and she drew her hand closer to her midsection, feeling the pang. "It's not safe in the open."

"You can't keep ignoring me," He whined, and she chuckled softly. Her sweet, little goofball.

"I'm not," She simply stated. "I just want to get in a safe place so we can talk, properly."

That quieted him and she hummed a soft tune as he held onto one of her hands. Wrapping his hand around her's, like someday she might disappear before him. She hoped it never happened, and she wiped away the wet tears that had escaped, smiling down, before leading him off. The birds were oddly chirping as they walked, avoiding twigs and branches, stepping carefully on quiet moss. Ears straining to pick up anything as they walked slowly, her trying to ignore the stings inside of her or the lump that was forming in her throat. She swallowed around it. Edging onto the road, she cast a glance around. The road silent and baring nothing for them. 

"You have the map?" 

"Yep."

Watching AJ pull it out from their pack, a tear in the middle of the map, with it flapping in the wind. His eyes peered closely to it, and his lips thin, before blooming into a smile. Letting her hand go - she already missed knowing that he couldn't leave her - he pointed at a dot on the map. There was a glow, and she swallowed weakly, before peering over his shoulder to see what he was looking at.

"What is it?"

"We're close to Richmond!" He practically squealed out, looking up at her with wide, questioning eyes. "Can we go there?"

"AJ, we talked about this," She hissed, sharply. "Its caught up in that war, we're better off dead if we go there."

"But you said it's fortified, with walls and stuff," He pointed out as they started their walk, her pulling out her knife as she listened partially to him, and partially around them. "And they have running water and solar panels, I heard it from the travelers in that trading area!"

"AJ, no," She snapped, and sighed, feeling it rattle in her chest. "We just, we just can't, alright?"

AJ's lips had pulled into a tight frown and her chest pinched itself. She hated seeing him like this, seeing him sad and frustrated. She was supposed to be making him happy, but she couldn't put him in danger. Couldn't have him killed, she needed to protect him as best as she could. Rising her eyes to the sky, she could see a sign towering over the treetops, and she smiled. A gas station, perfect. Hopefully, some people left some food in there.

"Come on, it's close," She hummed out and grabbed his hand, him awkwardly shuffling the map away as she pulled him towards the gas station. Not far, not far.

Turning a tight corner, tree branches trying to wack them in the face as they walked. The gas station had broken windows and glass shards surrounded it with year old blood stains. Dead walkers laid against the reddened walls, their blood splattered onto the ground as they slumped over. Silence echoed around them as they approached. A car stood abandoned in front of the store, and poking her head in, she could see nothing. Blood littered it and she gagged, feeling more bile rise up with force. Almost painfully, she twisted her head around and vomited, it forcefully removing itself onto the black paved road. 

"Here's some water," AJ murmured, handing her the almost empty canteen. She hated how eagerly she drank from it, wiping her mouth off as she handed it back to him. It felt like a blessing coursing down her throat, and she sighed. 

"Let's go in," She said, and dodged around her puke, before opening up the cracked doors. Her knife tugged in her hand, and she raised it, to drive it into someone's head. Silence echoed around them, aisles laid upon each other, and glass shards with blood cluttered on the floor.

"Back door," AJ said and pointed out, smiling. "Good escape route."

"Nice eye," She complimented, though it weighed down in her stomach as they fully entered the store, letting the door swing behind them.

_The click of a gun rung in her ears._

Twisting around, nothing behind her, just the forest. She was fine, she was fine. She was with AJ, they would be fine. She had put a lot of distance between them, she was safe and sound. She tumbled backward and anxiously looked around. No sounds of walkers or people, and she could hear AJ shouting out that it was clear. Good, good. Putting her knife away, she anxiously pickled up a fallen shelf and pushed it upwards, her arms screaming for her to stop and her stomach twinged painfully. Gasping, painfully, she steadied herself, looking down at the fallen goods on the ground.

"You never answered my question."

Clementine picked up a can of something and looked it over. Not rotten, and it felt full. Most likely some beans, which they could cook in a pan. If they found any, and she smiled as she turned around to see AJ frowning at her. She simply waggled the can in front of him, walking behind and unzipping the backpack, placing down the can. He stiffened, before relaxing, shrugging it off and putting it against a shelf. His frown was still on and stayed on her as she poked in between the shelves, finding anything deserted.

"What happened when we were separated?" He continued on, and walked towards her, kneeling down to also poke around. She remained silent. Please, just stop. "You haven't acted like yourself since we reunited. Did something bad happen?"

"...Yes."

"Oh."

Silence rang around them and she closed her eyes, almost pitifully. The burning of possible tears stayed on her and she bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from sobbing. She twisted away from him, she didn't want to see his expression as she opened her eyes. Picking up a package of beef jerky, she trudged over to the lone backpack, placing it in. Nestled against the can she had found.

"Did someone hurt you? Cause, like, they were marks on your neck," He was asking, so much softer now and she shoved up another fallen shelf. Candy bars littered the ground and she angrily picked one up. "And you got mad when I brought it up."

"AJ."

Her body felt rigid and she could feel his eyes on her. Staring at her back as she kneeled onto the floor, she felt the burning in her stomach, her chest sore. She didn't want to admit it, that she had broken down so easily. That she was a mess. So she swallowed angrily and twisted her gaze over to his.

"I was raped."

The words hung so tensely and his face contorted into a mess. She looked away, she opened her mouth and closed it. She never really explained what rape was, just murder and shit. Easy to understand, you would think, trying to explain to an 8-year-old what rape is. She closed her eyes and felt the first slips of tears escaping. She tried to breathe and her fingers tightened around the dumb candy bar in her hand.

"I-it's when someone...someone forces themselves onto another, and..." She couldn't breathe and she sobbed forcefully. Feeling herself break inside as she explained it to him. "makes them do things they don't want to do. Like..."

"Making someone pregnant," He whispered and she sobbed now.

It dropped from her hands and she covered her face with them. Feeling everything pool out as she crumbled. She thought she was stronger than this, strong enough to not break down like this. But, she kept crying, kept trembling over and over again. And small arms wrapped around her, and she held him close, not wanting to lose her little goofball. She needed him, the only light she had, and her stomach twisted painfully. She was such a mess.

"I'm sorry," She whimpered out and she could feel AJ tense up.

"It's my fault, I should've gone after you," He whispered and she pulled him closer.

"He would've hurt you too, AJ. I had to protect you," She hissed quietly and she watched him pull away. She felt so empty and his eyes gleamed with anger and tears and sadness. Her little goofball.

"No! I was supposed to protect you," He snapped and balled his hands up, pressing them against his forehead. "I should've been with you. Should've protected you from that-that-that monster!"

"Oh, AJ," She whispered softly as she watched him shake his head, and watched angry tears fall.

"We need to go to Richmond."

"What?"

"Clementine, you, we're not safe," He finally said, his shoulders slumping and looking too old for his age. "If I can't protect you then-then we need a community."

_"I'm not with them, I promise."_

She shivered and looked away, gritting her teeth to stop further sobs escaping.

"AJ..."

"Please, Clementine! Trust me," He hissed out and his hands were on her, and she smiled painfully at him. "They have medicine, they have resources we need. Please, I can't lose you."

She nodded, weakly. He was so much older, having to mature faster than she ever had to. She hated putting him through that, having him make the decision because she was too scared to do it. And she smiled and hugged him tightly, not wanting to leave him. Her brave, little goofball.


	2. Carried In The Womb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _‘You will grow all you need to grow inside my spine_   
>  _And then take what you need to take, what's yours is mine_   
>  _And then just give all you want of it to some new thing_   
>  _I'll stay here, the provider of that constant sting they call love_   
>  _They call love’_   
>  _~ Mothers by Daughter_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  **Trigger Warning:** This chapter does mention abortion a couple of times!

"We can stop if you would like."

AJ's voice is soft, quiet, too protective for a young boy. And her gaze floats up to him, him farther ahead. He's holding their map in his hand and he's staring at her with his quiet, brown eyes, lips twisted into a somber frown. Her poor boy and Clementine forces a grin, as she grips her stomach like its bleeding. Her feet are slow and drag against the dusty trail that should be leading them to Richmond. Guilt stabs her chest and she wants to bite it down, but she can't because it chokes her. So she grins and tries to forget that grubby hands had pulled her down and ignored her crying. She breathes in and out.

"No, I'm good, little one," She dryly laughs and he's stopped ahead of her. His back is turned away from the road, vulnerable. She swallows around that pathetic lump in her throat with her head pounding. "C' mon, it should be close."

"Are you sure?" AJ continues and she sees his hands tighten on the map. She wants to reach for her knife, to look around and burn the woods down. To make sure it's just them alone, even if it's just them surrounded by fire. She's pathetic for wanting that.

She nods. He continues to frown and she speeds up until she's reached him. Her lungs are scratching at her throat and her stomach gags. Her legs feel like lead and she smiles down at him, with him hurrying up and she wants to reach for his hand. Hold him close to know its just them, alone, in the fucking woods. Walkers seemed to be nicer nowadays. If it came down to it, she would prefer being surrounded by walkers than anyone else from that fucked up group, who for all she knew, probably didn't give a damn about girls and women being used as breeders. Not giving a damn about how they feel and if they cry themselves to sleep or scream and plead for it to stop, or only doing it to protect someone else, and goddamnit -

 _'Fucking stop it, Clementine!'_ She snarls to herself because Lee taught her better than to wallow in her self-pity. She feels sick though and she puts her hand on AJ's shoulder. He doesn't say anything and lets her. She doesn't ask, he doesn't answer. She almost likes it like that, but it pinches her chest and she wants to squash it down.  _'I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.'_

The silence stretches on between them as they walk the path, her listening to the chirps of birds. She feels sweat drip down her face and she anxiously wipes it off. It's weird, it's not that hot out and she wants to pretend its not from all the headaches she's been having or how her stomach feels like stabbing itself. She hates those ideas almost as much as him, and she almost wishes that Carver was there instead of him. At least Carver had fucking limits.

"You were in Richmond, right?"

AJ is looking at her and he's so concerned, and he really shouldn't. Not for her and he's not even crying out that she's gripping him way too harshly. Her fingers are turning white and she loosens her hold. She would much rather have Carver at the moment, or at that moment. Just a bullet to the head.

"Yep. I left so I can look for you," She tries to chirp out, but it sounds flat. She doesn't cringe at how monotone she sounds, but she smiles that AJ perks up slightly.

"At the ranch," He whispers and she twitches.

"Yeah," She looks away. She doesn't want to think about the fire and the blood and that poor woman who she splattered blood all over AJ. New Frontier must know, they must. They'll kick her out and she and AJ will be back in the same spot. And what if he comes back, she can't let him near AJ. She can't, he can hurt her but not him. "Let's not talk about, alright?"

"If that's what you would like, Clem," AJ says, and it drags at her. "Did you like it?"

"Not really."

She can still taste all of her displeasure at them for taking AJ away. For David not just telling her that AJ was alive or letting AJ stay with her, to not immediately say that AJ wasn't there. She couldn't have lost him, she could've at that moment. And what then? Leaving an 8-year-old boy to starve in the damn, fucking woods while she what, just stayed in that damn cabin. 

"Oh," So quiet and soft and she shakes him a bit. Looking around and noticing how absent all of it is. "Well, I guess I wouldn't like it either."

"AJ," She can't help the laugh that bubbles out of nausea in her throat. "You were two!"

"I still could've not liked it!" He blurts out and she laughs at the red in his cheeks. He looks away and his frown is cracking. "I wouldn't have!"

"Uh-huh," She cackles a bit, and she tries to roll her shoulders. Tries, but her head hits harder and vomit tries to escape, and fuck, she's letting him go, kneeling over as she gags and fucking gags. God-damnit, fuck that man. She never wanted to kill and stay away from someone so badly and the bile crawls out, splatters onto the ground. She wished she could've spat on him, made him felt like shit. 

"Clem, you ok?"

Her mouth tastes gross and her stomach is rolling as she pushes herself up. AJ is looking at her like that day when she said everything. His eyes are so scared and frightful and large. He's too young to see this shit and she tries to laugh, but all that happens is a dry heave. Her stomach pushing on itself so dribble can escape from her lips. She wipes her mouth off and her lips are dry. She looks at him and smiles with no teeth, moving away from her disgust and back to him. He offers for her to lean on him. She's not dying, she's fine. She didn't lose an arm or on her last breaths and she doesn't need to be locked to something. She's completely fine and she feels fine and it's not bothering her, not at all. She's fine, she's fine, she's fine.

"Mhmm," She hums and she can't keep the smile on, it falls and she tries to stand taller. She feels smaller. "C' mon, we can't be in the open."

"Clem, we can stop."

He keeps persisting and she wants to shut it out, close her eyes. She's fine, she's fine, she's fine. She's away from that gross man and she's safe. She just has to get to Richmond and protect AJ. She won't let anyone threaten him and she forces herself to walk. The closer they get to Richmond, the safer AJ will be. They can kick her out if they would like, but not him. Not her son.

"Clem, please listen!"

She keeps walking and she ignores how her stomach is heaving again. How her throat is so dry and her head is ready to burst open. How she wants to grab that knife and scream.  She's fine, she's completely and utterly fine. AJ needs to stop worrying about her because she's fine. It's over now, isn't it?

"Clem, you need to-"

"Fucking hold it!"

 The knife slides so easily into her hand, and she forces AJ behind her. They won't hurt him, they can't. He's innocent in all of this and she feels her veins tighten, she lowers herself into a stance. She hears them running and her eyes swarm around. Men and women with guns, and a snarl escapes. They won't hurt him, and AJ isn't crying out when her nails dig into his arm, to keep him close. All the guns are on them and their eyes are cold, and she doesn't seem to care.

"Drop the knife."

Stop, stop. She's fine, she's fine.

"No," She snarls and she can hear AJ whispering her name, over and over again. She's protecting him, she's not putting herself in danger again. She's keeping both of them safe and she sidesteps, dragging AJ with her. She twists wildly, teeth bared and knife raised. "Don't take another step towards me."

"Clem," AJ cries out to her and she wants to loosen her hold. To hide him from this and her pathetic nature of snarling, her panicking like a damn fool. She doesn't move a muscle. "Please, calm down."

"You better listen to your boy!" One of the fuckers yells and she twirls the knife. She has to protect AJ, she has to. She pulls him closer and she could hear him crying out and she wants to sob, to apologize but she has to do this.

"I-"

"Whoa, everyone, calm down!"

A man appears, well young, almost a man. Her pupils dilate in a fashion she is certain she doesn't like, and her muscles are tense, her tongue is curling. He's young and he's waving his arms for the soldiers (she doesn't know and she doesn't care) to put down their guns. She doesn't feel safer and her eyes wander, she needs to find an opening. Maybe going to Richmond was a bad idea.

"But, sir, she pulled a knife out!"

"After you guys surrounded her," The man points out. He sounds young and almost familiar, and she casts a glance back at him. He's dark, tan at least, hair that hid in a ridiculously familiar beanie and a small, brown goatee. Soft, brown eyes and a new jacket over him, tall and broad, like David, but softer. 

Gabe.

Her arm weakens, everything inside and she wants to leave. Of all the Garcías she had to meet again, it was him, a childhood friend. Her throat tightens and she releases AJ. She can't trust him though, he could change. Everyone changes, and not always for the better. Probably hardened by war, and she's shuddering as she lowers the knife. She won't put it away, and AJ grabs her hand, it's warm and soft. It grounds her and she's breathing again. Something stings her eyes and their eyes meet. And a smile breaks out, hesitant. She hates, almost, that she doesn't return the warmth.

"Clementine?" So hopeful and hesitant, almost like before she left and crushed his heart with a single word.

She doesn't respond to him, tilts her head as AJ pulls her closer to him. She knows he's glancing back and forth and she just tightens her hold on his hand. She can almost ignore the confusion on the soldiers around them and how her head is spinning.

"You know each other?" AJ questions, almost accusingly and she pulls him closer again. 

"Yeah."

Her voice is distant and soft, she hates how it makes her feel small. She stands up taller, glances down at AJ. If he's with the New Frontier, she can get AJ into a safe place, and away from whatever mess that she was in.

"Yeah."

She repeats it, again, calmer, stronger. She doesn't feel it though.

"¡Dios mío!" He exclaims, runs a hand down the slowly forming goatee. "You're actually here! We were waiting so long and I thought you would never come, and now you are, and it's just... Puta madre."

She ignores the guilt that stabs her chest, how it burns and she wants to forget that she was gone for so long. Scared of a damn war, and that's what lead her back to them. What a fucking dipshit she is, and a coward, a victim. She slides the knife back into her boot, her fingers are shaking and she wants to jump into a hole, stay in a place by herself. Where she doesn't have to feel anything.

"You two, go back to Richmond. Tell the council that an old friend is back! They'll know who!" He's talking too fast and she steps back. It's too fast, she doesn't know if she wants this. It needs to go slower, please.

"Clem?"

She's shaking and trembling, and she's closing her eyes. She's fine, she's fine, she's fine.

"I'm here, Clem. I won't let anyone get you again," AJ whispers and she pries her eyes open to grin down at him. Gabe is talking to the soldiers, waving two to come with him and the rest to continue whatever they were doing. She hates this and she hates that she's whining. She's stronger than this, Lee raised her to be stronger than this.

"Aren't I supposed to say that?" She tries to joke, but it falls flat on its face. His eyes don't sparkle with mischief or laughter, just concern and confusion, and such fear. She was supposed to protect him. "Hey, don't be like that. I'm fine, see."

He makes a huffing sound and she pulls him close, pulls him into a hug. Her sweet, little boy. She can't let anything happen to him or let that man get his hands on him. And as she twists her gaze away from AJ and onto Gabe, she can see his smiling face. He's smiling at her, and she wants to hide. She doesn't deserve this, she doesn't trust him. She holds AJ closer, its done so quickly and on impulse and she wants to forget. Gabe is trying to beckon for them to follow, but she can't let go of AJ. With him to step over, but she holds him close. Panic settling under her skin and nipping harshly, seeing Gabe frown.

"Are you two alright?" Gabe questions, eyes showing sympathy and confusion. Clementine doesn't know if she wants to see those emotions and she swallows the lump in her throat. The soldiers are staring, New Frontier soldiers are staring at them, back and forth from her to Gabe. 

"I just want to be careful, hard to trust people nowadays," She hesitates, before letting it come from her mouth. It's the truth, she won't lie, even if she desperately wants to. To hide how disgusting her skin feels at the moment. There's silence, his lips are in a line and she shuffles, awkwardly as one arm is around AJ, to keep him close. She wants to ignore his pleading eyes on her.

"You are rejoining, right?"

_"I'm not with them, I promise."_

_New Frontier whore._

_Angry eyes on her, nails digging in her mark._

Stop it, stop it, stop! She doesn't want this, she doesn't want this. He's gone, he's gone, he's gone. She's fucking fine, she's completely fine and she's survived this long. Get out of her head, please. She doesn't want to think about it, not this. Why did she come, why did she come? Stop, stop, stop, please! She doesn't want this. 

It swallows her up and she's tensing, trying to block that lump, that sob. Gabe's eyes aren't that man's, its pale brown, calming, soft, caring. Trying to sympathize with an old friend and she's trying to not drown. She's fine, she's fine. And her gaze falls on AJ, whose looking up at her with those large eyes, scared for her. He nods and she grips him tighter, she's fine. They don't need to know what's happened to her. It's behind her now, isn't it? Yes, yes, yes. She's fine, she's fine. 

"Yes."

And Gabriel smiles like its the greatest thing he's ever heard and he's getting so excited. She wants to tear off her skin and hide, as she forces herself to walk towards him, to follow. It's going to be fine, it's going to be fine, it's going to be fine. It's just them, her, Gabe, AJ, and two soldiers that flank them. She's alright, AJ's going to be ok. It's for AJ, he needs to be safe. 

She strains to hear outside of their little group, to hear the birds, walkers, the rustle of a branch or a leaf. Anything to warn her of upcoming dangers and her hand feels empty when AJ leaves her side. She wants to pull him back, to know he's there, but she forces her hands still, to not crawl to her knife for some weight. She just needs to keep watch and keep AJ safe. She's alright, she's fine.

_The click of a gun._

_She didn't even hear him._

_How does he know her name?_

Look behind her, look behind her. Twisting around, eyes so wide and seeing only a soldier holding a gun, looking to the side. She's paranoid, she's a fucking lunatic and she tries to breathe. It's just the forest, she's not trapped in a damn cabin. 

_She claws at the mattress, she needs to get out, she needs to leave._

_Why won't he leave her alone?_

Breathe, Clementine, breathe. She twists her head away, and watches AJ, sees him trotting next to Gabe. Her stomach twitches with pain and agony, guilt that eats her up. He's suspicious and she caused that, she fucked up. She just wanted to protect him, she didn't want him to get hurt. Her stomach twitches on itself and her head is screaming as she tries to speed up, to walk behind AJ. She can't let them be caught though, she needs to protect AJ. If it turns bad, she needs to grab him. Run as fast as they can, and get him somewhere safe. That's it, that's why she isn't just listening to walkers, and instead to AJ interrogating Gabe, who laughs. 

"So, it's just been you and Clem?"

"Yep, she's the toughest person I know."

Normal, about her. She doesn't know if she should stop it or not. No, no, AJ needs this, but she needs to make sure she can protect him. She has to, she can't let him hurt AJ.

"Really? I bet, she was like that last time I saw her."

"Did she know any trading areas?"

"Once, but we shouldn't talk about that."

"Why not?"

"Well, it fell because of some bad people."

"I'm not dumb, I know who, the people you are fighting against. They burned down our trading area too."

AJ, no, stop. He doesn't have to know about that, it's behind them. It's supposed to be behind them.

"I thought you weren't in a community?"

"We're not, Clem made a route for us."

"Smart. Do you guys mind if we learn about it?"

Gabe's eyes have twisted over to her's now and she hesitates, it catches in her throat. She wants to say no, to keep it to themselves if this all turns to shit. She doesn't want to, she doesn't trust him, and her voice is scratching at her throat. She should say no, but AJ's eyes flash in her head. She doesn't want him to be afraid for her, she just wants him to be happy, safe.

"Sure," It pools from her lips and she sees AJ's eyes light up, shooting a smile at her. She has to trust them, for AJ's sake.

"Great! We can do it another time so both you and AJ can get used it," Gabe grins and Clem looks away. He's saying something, and AJ is listening so eagerly. She just has to get through this, she'll get over it. She will, she has to.

 

The gates are large, towering over them. She feels AJ put his hand in her's and Clementine squeezes it, wiping her thumb against his. The symbol is there, and she hates she has it, she won't let AJ get it, not unless she wants to. A part of her wants to prevent that from happening altogether, to protect him from threats who will see them as an enemy.

_"I swear I'm not one of them. I left when I was young, promise."_

She won't let AJ get that mark on him, he doesn't need to suffer that way. 

"We have two new people wanting to join!" Gabe calls up to the guards, breaking through her thoughts, and she watches as they nod. Back in Richmond.

The gates shudder open, it's haunting and it's loud, creaking. It's like the earth is being ripped open and Gabe is smiling at her. She's right back at Richmond, with AJ in hand. She's certain Javier will ask why she didn't come earlier, and she'll be forced to explain how she murdered people and she's back as a victim. How she's weak and couldn't handle out there, and she can't breathe. Her lungs have thorns and there's a hole in her, as she walks in with AJ's eyes wandering around. Breathe, Clementine, breathe. She's fine, she's with AJ, she's fine. They'll be safe in Richmond, they have to be.

"Clem! There's houses!" squeals AJ, and she turns to smile at him. His eyes glow with amazement and she wants to laugh, but for some reason, it catches up in her throat. 

"Yeah, a lot more too," She says instead, but it sounds forced. She ignores how Gabe is looking at her, with concern, and the two soldiers disappear off.

"We've grown a lot since you've left," prompts Gabe, who puts his hands on his hips and smile around the place. "We're making it harder to get to, too."

"Because of the war, right?" AJ questions, while buzzing echoes in Clementine's ears. The frown on Gabe's face and she's forcing herself to breathe, she has to breathe. They're fine, they're fine. They'll be safe here.

"You guys know?" Gabe is questioning them. She has to breathe, she has to breathe. They'll be fine.

"That's why it took so long to get back. Clem was worried you'll be -"

"Alvin Lee Junior, that's enough!" She almost shouts, and it tears from her throat, and she yanks him back. There's panic, her skin is buzzing, they'll kick them out. What will she do then? She has to protect AJ, she has to.

"Whoa, it's fine!" Gabe is waving his hands and his eyes are wide. "Chill, Clem, it's fine."

"I-"

The sound ripples around them, a slam to the ground, and her breathing is suddenly broken. She can't breathe, and she's trying to, she swears she is. Her heart is hurting, her head is fucking screaming and she wants it to stop. He's not here, he's not here, she's fine, she's fine. He can't hurt her, she can't let him. Why did he, why did he, why did he? She needs to leave, she needs to get out. She wants to crawl in a hole, why didn't he just fucking leave her alone? Why did he let her live, and not just kill her when he had the chance. Why, why, why, please just leave her alone!

She needs to calm down, she needs to. It's in her head, it's just in her head. She's fine, she's fine, she's fine. Is Gabe talking? Why is he, she's fine, it's just, she's fine. She can't tell them, they'll kick her out, she just wants to be left alone. And why is AJ yelling? It's blurring all together and she wants to scream, curl up in a ball and die. And there are hands are her and she wants to push them off, they're grabbing her arms who are wrapped too tightly around her form. She's fucking shaking, she's supposed to be fine.

"Clem, I'm here," AJ whispers and she tries to ground herself. She grabs his hands, rubbing her thumbs against his. She's fine, she's supposed to be fine. She can't speak, and it blocks her throat like a chokehold and she stops that whimper from escaping her. She's fine, she's fine, she's fine.

"Clementine! You're actually here!"

Stop, stop, stop.

AJ's eyes are hardening and they shouldn't, he's too young to be so angry, to be a ball of pure rage. She wants to grab him, hold him, and take him away from here. Why didn't that man just kill her when he had the chance? She doesn't want this, she doesn't want this at all. She just wanted AJ to be safe.

"Gabe, go get Eleanor, for the check."

"Got it."

It's just Javier, it's just Javier. He'll understand, shouldn't he? She didn't do anything wrong, right? She has to be fine, she has to be. Her breathing comes back and it echoes in her lungs, as she breathes. It's just the gate, it was just the gate. He's not here, she's fine, Clementine's safe. She's safe. She forces herself away from AJ, his eyes so helpless as she turns away from him. Javier still looks the same as last time, and he's grinning at them, his mouth twitching slightly. Shit, shit, shit. She tries to smile back, but it feels so forced.

"Clementine, hey, sorry that I frightened you," laughs Javier and he steps slowly towards them. AJ is glaring and she pulls his hand into one of her's, swiping her thumb against his. It's all right, he's fine.

"It's ok," She simply states as she straightens herself back up. She's weak for being so scared of a damn gate. Javier's gaze is on AJ, and AJ is still glaring, and she forces out a sigh. "Javier, this is Alvin Junior. It's alright, AJ, we're safe."

"Hey, AJ," Javier says, and she smiles. Javier's trying, she can see it in him. "Welcome to Richmond, Clem told me a lot about you."

He's not answering, and she shoots him a glance. She just wants him to be safe, and his lips are in a stubborn frown, his hold on her hand tightens. He's scared too, and she rubs her thumb against the top of his, watching him relax a bit. She's here, she isn't going anywhere. 

"Hi."

 _'It's better than nothing, I guess,'_ Clementine thinks, and she sees his swap a smile for her. It's forced, and she hates it, but it'll make do.

"So, you're actually joining?" Javier's eyes are back on her and she swaps a glance with AJ. It'll keep them safe.

"Yeah, actually joining," She laughs and it sounds fake to her own ears.

"Good, good. I missed you," He laughs, and looks away. "Gabe especially did. And I can finally teach AJ baseball."

"What's that?" Ah, good, AJ is getting out of his shell.

"It's a sport, little man. I'll explain it to you later, alright?" Javier asks, and he's grinning so much. And then he stops, and his eyes are back on her. He knows, he knows, he knows. "So, you guys gotta go through check. Normal procedure and Eleanor will come down to make sure everything's all right while we set you guys up."

"Thank you, we appreciate it."

Its a lump in her throat and she swallows around it. They're going to be safe, they'll be alright. They have to be.

 

 "They know you! Why do we have to wait?"

AJ's screaming again, and Clementine wants to shush him because it's fine. Everything's fine, everything's fine, and her head isn't screaming. She just needs him to calm down, and she breathes in and out. In and out. AJ doesn't know everything, he's young, and he's pacing like a caged animal. She's over her sitting on a cold bench watching, like how she always does. Just them two, in a cold, cell where it probably was a locker room, that smells musty and it's too cold, biting and tearing at her skin. 

"They have to be careful," She mutters, her eyes inadvertently flashing away from AJ's stubborn kicking, her legs are shaking. She pushes them up onto the bench with her, she feels small. She wants to be small, to not be seen, and she wraps her arms around her legs, pulling them to her chest. It's safer like this. "We would do the same thing."

He's flinching and she doesn't want to see him do that. To see her boy, paces away from her, watching her with those scared eyes like she's going to break. She doesn't want to see that in those eyes, she won't break. She's stronger than that, she's proven that, hasn't she? She doesn't even know anymore, and a flare of pain kicks up, biting into her chest and injecting itself there. Her skin crawls and she wants to vomit, there's it bubbling up inside of her. She's supposed to be fine, she's supposed to be fine. Darkness settles around her.

"I'm sorry," AJ whispers and light fills back up. It all comes back and AJ is next to her, his eyes wide and uncertain. Another stab at her chest and she feels her breathing deflate. Her poor boy, AJ should never see her like this. 

"AJ, listen," She lets her legs fall back to the ground as she scoops AJ's face into her hands. Their eyes connect and she wants to let him know everything's all right, that she'll never, ever let anyone hurt him like how she was hurt. He doesn't deserve that shit and how his eyes flash with such agony hurts her. He needs to know nothing that happened to her is his fault. "Don't apologize again to me about this shit. Alright? That wasn't your fault, you got that?"

He nods and it doesn't feel good at all. She tries to harden her eyes but it feels weak, her stomach is pushing against itself as her eyes search his.

"AJ, tell me you won't apologize, alright? You're better than that," She whispers, and it's hard to not want to wipe away the uncertainty in his eyes, the forming of tears. "That wasn't your fault."

"O-ok Clem, I won't say sorry anymore."

It's so hesitant and soft and heartbroken. Her poor baby and she pulls him close, dropping his face and holding him, wrapping her arms around his smaller frame, letting him rest his head on her shoulder. She ruffles his hair, it's coarse and it's getting longer. She might have to cut it again, and she weakly smiles to herself. Such a trivial thing to think about and she feels him hug her. She misses this, she missed what it was like before everything, but it settles darkly in her gut. She'll never get it back, and it strikes her so hard that her breathing wants to stop. She forces her lungs to cooperate for once, and she loosens her hold on AJ, feeling him shift to lean against her. Everything will be alright, everything will be alright.

A creak - it's just the door, Clementine, she tries to calm herself with - welcomes itself into the room. A woman enters, dressed in typical clothing, with a lab coat over her shoulders, like what Lingard used to have. Hair shorter than last time, and a soft smile on her lips. Eleanor. The thoughts echo in Clem's head and she doesn't know how to feel about seeing Eleanor again, especially after everything that happened. Eleanor seems to not care, though, with her smile becoming larger at seeing both her and AJ and Clem stops herself from shrinking back. It's fine, Eleanor won't hurt them, she has no reason to, right?

"I thought Javi was pulling my leg when he said you were joining us, Clem," She laughs and Clem can't even offer up a weak smile for her. Her gaze sweeps over to AJ, whose weight feels more and more of a sign of protection as the time drags on. "And this must be AJ? He's so tall, I bet you two were happy to reunite."

She just nods and Eleanor seems to pick up on it. She can feel AJ tensing up as Eleanor comes over, she looks much happier than last time and cleaner. Healthier really, and she nods encouragingly for AJ to stand up, to leave her side. She forces herself to not reach over and pull AJ back to her, and her hands wring themselves on her legs. The bile is still there in her throat and she forces herself to swallow it as she watches Eleanor check AJ for bites.

"Have you been feeling anything unusual?" questions Eleanor and AJ shakes his head no, as Eleanor finishes checking. She nods and beckons for him to sit down. "Have you been feeling unwell? Queasy? Anything like that?"

"No, I'm fine, I feel normal," AJ's bristling, but his voice is calmer than before. She offers up a smile for AJ, one more step closer into joining Richmond and keeping AJ safe. 

"Anything we should know? We don't want to make you guys uncomfortable, of course," Eleanor laughs, her shoulders shaking as she tilts her head, curiously at them.

"Don't sneak up on behind him, please," Clementine whispers and Eleanor nods. She pats AJ's hand, they have to know, to make sure AJ is comfortable and doesn't accidentally hurt someone. She needs to make sure he's alright first.

"That's completely normal nowadays," muses Eleanor, who smiles so softly at AJ. Then her gaze turns to her, and Clementine stops that flinch. She beckons for Clem to get up and she forces herself to, even though her legs are shaking and there's so much bile climbing up.

Eleanor pulls on her clothes to see and she forces herself to not flinch, to not snarl and hiss. Her hands are quick and safe, she tries to convince herself but he keeps popping up. His fucking, disgusting hands crawling on top of her skin, digging nails into her. Why didn't he just fucking leave her alone? Why couldn't he have killed her? She doesn't want this, her head is spinning and her throat is clogged up. She doesn't know if she can breathe, breathe, breathe goddamit!

"Alright, both of you two look good."

Eleanor, it's just Eleanor. Her voice throws her out of that loop and her breathing comes back. She forces herself to sit back down, and it's a relief, her hand closing around AJ's and she smiles at him. She's fine, she's fine. She has to be fine, she has to be. He's gone, and she's completely and utterly fine. 

"Anything else we should know? Any symptoms and such?" Eleanor pipes up and Clem returns her gaze to Eleanor. She has to tell her everything, doesn't she? At least, the headaches and nausea.

"I've been having headaches, a lot for the past month," She croaks out and Eleanor nods. She feels sick, but she has to tell her. She's fine, she's probably just sick. "And I've been dizzy and have had stomach pains in the morning. But, it's normal isn't it?"

"She's also been throwing up in the morning," AJ points out and she looks away. She doesn't want to see what Eleanor is thinking, to see worry or disgust on her face, and she's breathing through her nose as she nods. She's alright, she's alright, she's alright. Everything's fine, everything's completely and utterly fine.

"Clem, when did you last have your period?"

What the fuck. It breaks through and she's shuddering. She's fine, she's fine, nothing is wrong with her.

"I-I can't remember," She says and she tries to rack her brain. The last time was before him, and no, no she's fine. That's completely normal, she's been so worried that she must be ok. AJ may have said that, but she probably isn't. It would've died inside of her a long time ago, she can't have it. It's not possible, it can't be possible.

"Oh, Clementine," Her voice is soft and sad and she doesn't want this. Why is she apologizing, she's ok? She's alright, nothing is wrong with her. "Have you had any intercourse in the past month?"

No, no, no, no. She's fine, she's fine. She's not pregnant, that's impossible. She can't be, that's foolish thinking. She has to be alright, she has to be. It shouldn't be possible for her to be pregnant, it would've died inside of her. It had to have died inside of her.

"Clem, I'm so sorry."

Her hand is reaching for her and she shrinks. Her pupils are dilating and she flinches, she can't let anyone touch her. She's fine, she's fine. She can't be pregnant, she can't be. She must be fine, she has to be. Why would she be pregnant? And Eleanor looks so apologetic, and she nods as she steps back away from them. AJ is clutching her and she swears she can't breathe. She has to breathe, she has to. Eleanor's face is haunting her and she looks away, she has to be ok, she has to be. She can't be pregnant, she can't. She hears the click of a door shutting and the cry escapes. AJ is holding her hands and the sobs keep wracking out of her. She curls up, she has to be fine, she has to be. She can't be pregnant, she just can't. All she can feel is AJ holding her hands, and she can't fucking breathe. She can't be pregnant, she's fine, she's completely and utterly fine.

 

"You guys are safe to come up. You guys will be together in one of our apartments, I'll show you to them," Eleanor explains as she leads them up back into the hallway. It's brighter and cleaner, and it's straining Clem's eyes. She keeps her hold on AJ's hand, and she hopes her eyes don't look puffy or red, she doesn't want Eleanor asking her.

AJ is looking around, wildly, and she squeezes his hand. Richmond got a lot larger from last time and Eleanor holds open the door for them, explaining as they walk. Flowers are blooming, gardens Clementine has to assume, and families are playing. It's almost like the old days, safe and happy. AJ's eyes are so wide, and he looks uncertain of himself. Guilt pinches her, she kept him away from this place, where he could've been happier. Safer, and have enjoyed playing with those that were around his age. To act like a normal kid and she wants to push it away. She fucked up, didn't she?

"All your stuff is in your guys' room, we want to make sure you're comfortable. You'll have to talk to the council, tomorrow, to discuss any future plans. What you guys want to work in and stuff like that," Eleanor explains, and Clementine shoots a smile at her. "The council is made up of me, Lingard, David, and Javier, so all familiar faces for you, Clem."

Eleanor keeps the conversation up throughout their walk, and Clementine doesn't know how to feel about that. Should she be grateful? Scared, hurt? She feels nothing, just listening to Eleanor's soft, calm voice that wafts through the air. She leads them to a tall building, well, one of Richmond's tall buildings, towering over them with its dusted off red paint, and windows are covered up with curtains. Curtains, funny, she thought she would never see one of those again. And the glass, looks surprisingly clean, walking into the hallway of an apartment complex. How interesting, and Clementine feels another pang hit her. She could've AJ back here and he would've lived here, happy and safe. Have been like a normal kid.

"Your guys' room is on the third floor," Eleanor explains, letting them trail behind her up through the stairs. "If you would like to move, just talk to the council and we'll find some way to compromise."

"Thanks, Eleanor, we appreciate it," Clem says, and she weakly smiles at the doctor, who flashes one right back. She's fine, she's fine. She's safe over here, she's completely and utterly safe. 

The climb is easy, and soon, Eleanor is leading them down a hallway and points to a room. 305, the letters, have started to fade and the door looks sturdy, it would be hard to break down. It makes breathing a lot easier for Clem, and she watches as Eleanor unlocks it, letting the air sweep in. 

"Don't worry, it's safe," drones Eleanor and she pokes her head. It looks, it looks clean and she weakly flashes a smile to AJ.

"C' mon, AJ, it's fine," She encourages and feels him fish for her hand again. She squeezes her fingers around his and pulls him in with her, stepping into a room, that might be the living room.

A couch sits against the wall, the window right behind it, and a peach brown chair on the left of it, hanging beside it. A coffee table, shiny, sits in front of the couch, and right next to it, slipping a wall to cover the hallway, is the kitchen. She can see the refrigerator and she smiles. And a door hangs to the side, almost between the kitchen and the living room if moved to the left of the side, and not on the right, and down the hallway, she can see it split into different rooms, both doors closed. They have a home, a place where AJ could enjoy himself and she doesn't want to cry. It's too nice and she doesn't know why they allowed them back in so easily. It blocks her throat and she breathes through her nose.

"I hope this is alright," purrs out Eleanor, and she can hear the door shut. She forces herself to not flinch and twist around painfully as Eleanor comes up, patting her on the shoulder. She pulls back and notices Eleanor's frown. "Your stuff is in the bedroom, the left one."

AJ hesitates, she knows he's hesitating and smiles back, trying to be encouraging. She'll be right behind him, she'll always be there. She won't leave him, never, never again. She can't let anything happen to him. His smiles brighten up, and she watches him dash down the hallway and towards the room. She starts forward, but Eleanor stops her. Her voice is soft and quiet, and she makes herself turn around to see her.

"In the bathroom, if you would like, there's a pregnancy test you can take," Eleanor prompts and Clementine wants to vomit. Can't Eleanor see she's alright? She can't be pregnant, it would've died inside of her, it had to have died inside of her. "Just to make sure, Clem. I'll keep your boy company. Alright, the instructions are on the box."

And with that, Eleanor walks past her and Clementine's left staring at a closed door. Her throat closes and she forces herself to breathe again. Eleanor's right, she has to make sure, she has to. And, when it shows its negative, she'll be fine, she'll be completely fine. She won't have to worry anymore, and so she breathes. She breathes in hard and she looks at that side door. Opening it, she can easily see it's a bathroom, and she snaps it shut behind her, locking it. She feels a bit safer knowing its locked, and she can see the little box. 

The instructions are easy, and her fingers quiver as she basically tears the box open, pulling the little test out. She's fine, she's fine. She'll be alright, and she'll know she's fine. That, that man did nothing to her, all evidence will be wiped out. Yes, yes, she's fine, she's fine. 

She quickly and quietly follows the instructions, placing the test on top of the box when done. She feels weird, sitting on top of a toilet seat, quickly pulling her pants and underwear back up, waiting for it to show. She doesn't really want to look at it, not really, but she forces herself to. Plucking it up, she twists it over, and her breath catches. It's caught up in her throat and the disgust is rolling inside of her. Fuck him, fuck him. She wishes he had shot her instead, she wants Lee right here, to hold her like he used to and tell her everything's all right.

It shows, it says she's pregnant, but she can't be. It's so easy to want to forget about it, as she drops it into the trash, and pulls her feet up alongside the rest of her body. Her back cool against porcelain, and she feels the tears escape. This can't happen, she's fine, she's fine. The bile crawls up, and she forces herself onto her knees, opening up the toilet seat and letting it crawl out. It keeps coming on and she sobs through it, this isn't happening. And when her mouth is dry and empty, she flushes it and watches it all disappear down the drain. She wants to crawl inside a hole and die. This isn't possible, she can't be pregnant. She shouldn't be, she's too young to have a child. And she closes it, forcing herself against a bathtub, as she breathes.

She doesn't have to have it. She could, she could terminate it. Yes, yes, she could do that. And then she'll be okay, she'll be able to live and forget about him. A laugh escapes and she doesn't like it, she's a monster and her gut reels back in. She doesn't want this thing inside of her and the tears keep pouring down. She hates feeling weak, she hates knowing there's something inside of her, growing like a parasite. He put it in there and wanted it to happen and she fucking hates him for it, she feels the hatred mix in. She's so fucking weak, and she curls in on herself, feeling her head reel back, as she sobs.

She doesn't know how long she stays curled up, sobbing and cursing, but she forces herself to wash up. If she doesn't look too closely, it almost seems like she never cried, and she wipes it off with the back of her hand. This changes nothing, she knows about terminating pregnancies. It wouldn't be too hard, and her shoulders are shaking. She's so messed up, but the thought keeps tumbling over itself. She could do that, and she wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. She can't even believe herself, and it takes everything in her power to not fall down, to collapse and sob. She can't have this happen to her, it shouldn't have. She was safe, she had been careful, this shouldn't have happened. 

It takes everything in her strength to unlock the bathroom door and leave it. Her legs feel weak, and she slumps against the apartment wall. She hates knowing there's something inside of her, and she swallows more of that dry bile that wants to climb out of her mouth. She gets up and walks towards the bedroom, and she sees AJ, placing the gun down onto a desk next to the bed. Eleanor is nowhere to be seen, and she notices the keys next to the gun as well.

"Where's Eleanor?" She questions and she stumbles onto the bed, letting herself settle against the blanket. Her pack is against a wall and she feels AJ's body right against her's. He already knew, and she didn't want to believe him. Too little to know that shit.

"She left while you were in the bathroom," Murmurs AJ, and she squeezes him, her arm slung around his shoulders. She can see the sun falling down and tiredness eats at her bones. "Says she'll be back in the morning to talk with us."

"That's nice," She murmurs, and she wants to fall asleep. She wants to curl up and forget about today, to ignore everything before, to imagine that her and AJ were never separated.

"She said that she gave you a test to take. What was it?" She squeezes him harder and feels his chin on her shoulder.

"To see if I'm pregnant." 

"Are you?"

She nods, and she feels AJ squeeze her harder, and she tries to ignore the sobs that escapes from her mouth.

"What are we gonna do?" He whispers against her shoulder, and she feels herself fall against the mattress, taking AJ down with her. He squirms, and she loosens her hold on him, watching him sit with his legs crisscrossed over each other. His eyes are on her's and she feels another sob escape. 

"I don't know," It escapes without her wish, and she twists away from him, curling up on the foot of the bed. "Terminate it, probably."

"Clem, are you okay?" His hands are on her shoulder and he presses his face against her neck. She wraps her arm around him and lets him curl up against her. 

"No, but I'll live."

She doesn't really believe it, but she forces herself to. For AJ, and she rubs his back, feeling him curl up against her tighter. He's too young to see this shit and she twists away from his little face against her neck.

"It's fine to not feel ok," He murmurs, and she shrugs helplessly. "What do you mean, by, uh..."

"Get it out of me," She ends it, and she feels him hold her tighter. She closes her eyes and feels comforted by the blackness and AJ's warmth against her. "So I won't have to give birth to it."

"Oh. Is that, good?" He questions and she feels sick.

"It's controversial really, the whole thing about it," She feels it tumble out of her lips. "People still do it though. People will say its wrong, AJ, and other's will say it's what that person, the woman, wants. There's no correct answer."

"Oh."

She pulls him closer and she feels him curl up against her. They're not going anywhere, and she feels comforted by him. He shouldn't know about this shit, and she tightens her hold on him, hears him breathe in and out. She'll figure it out, she has to. She's going to be fine, she has to be fine. She has to be.

"I'll follow wherever you go, Clem."

That's the last thing she hears, her mumbling goodnight as she feels darkness swarm her. She has to be alright, for AJ's sake. 


End file.
